Friday, January 25, 2008

In case of surprise kittens

  1. Cancel all prior engagements.
  2. Play with the kitten.
  3. Done.

So, you wanna survive a vampire attack?:

Preliminary reading in the event of a potential vampire attack

So, there's a vampire outside and it wants to be inside. Some theories suggest that vampires are unable to enter without being invited. But, who wants to take that risk? Mostly, if they want in, they'll find a way.

So, you'll probably want to kill it pretty dead. You've got three choices:

  1. decapitate the vampire;
  2. drive a wooden stake through its heart; and/or,
  3. immolate the body and any gooey insides either by contact with direct sunlight or by a really big and nasty fire.

Unfortunately, they're pretty much guaranteed to be stronger and faster than you. You're unlikely to be able to out run a hungry vampire. So, you've got some more options:

  1. find a supergood hiding place and wait it out (and hope you don't get bitten);
  2. expertly dispatch the vampire(s) (and hope you don't get bitten); and/or,
  3. keep them occupied with your mad martial arts skills until you manage to either kill or seriously wound them (and hope you don't get bitten).

Firstly, you will need to survey your surroundings. Is the only thing between you and the vampire attack the big flimsy window that you're standing next to? Then you probably will want to find somewhere better to hide. Are you rather lacking in wooden stakes and instruments for vampire decapitation? Then maybe you want to find some more useful tools. Have you learned all your mad martial arts skills from Jackie Chan movies? Then you really need a Plan B that doesn't involve using those "skills".

To enhance your chances of survival, it is recommended that you consult the suggested readings (below) and the relevant chapters of the Matlock Street Emergency Handbook. Having a thorough understanding of your role in the defence strategy will not only help you save yourself, but may also help saved loved ones.

Suggested readings:
  • Self defence strategies against a single vampire attacker
  • Self defence strategies against a pack of vampires
  • In Case of Escape of Chickens

    Step One: Assign Tasks
    * Chicken Herders (1 or more)
    * Snack Finder (1)
    * Trap Maker

    Step Two (Chicken Herders):
    Attempt to catch chickens. If chickens are not caught, attempt to herd them into a corner and contain them, and notify other team members that they should continue with the plan.

    Step Two (Snack Finder):
    Find delicious snacks for the chickens.
    Grade One Snacks: grapes,
    Grade Two Snacks: green leafy things, such as lettuce or spinach,
    Grade Three Snacks: wheat, foodscraps,
    Grade Four Snacks: anything that looks like a chicken might eat it.

    Step Two (Trap Maker):
    Get the laundry basket, and a stick to prop it up. Find some string, wool, or electrical cord to tie to the stick.

    Step Three:
    Trap Maker to set up the laundry basket on the ground near the contained chickens, propped up by the stick. Trap Maker should position themself some distance away, ready to pull the string.

    Snack Finder to scatter delicious snacks around, and underneath, the laundry basket, then remain nearby on alert.

    Chicken Herders to let the chickens go, falling back but maintaining a blockade to encourage chickens to move nearer to delicious snacks.

    Step Four:
    When chickens move under the laundry basket, Trap Maker should pull the stick out, trapping the chickens. Snack Finder should hold the basket down.

    In case this step fails, as seems likely, all team members revert to Chicken Catchers, and everyone runs around trying to catch chickens until the chickens are either returned to the yard or irrevocably lost.

    Step Five:

    In Case of Attack by Zombie, or other shambling halfdeads that wish us no good

    Current status: needs further development.

    Weapons caches:
    * 1 x Bow: currently missing arrows, may be useful for bashing,
    * 2 x Swords: foam, probably useless,
    * 2 x Badminton racquets

    Back Door
    * 1 x secatuers (small)
    * 1 x saw (medium, curved)

    Weapons (other):
    * Records: c.f. Shaun of the Dead
    * Chair
    * Table: barricades, or as a weapon for stronger defence team members
    * Knicknacks and books: possible use for throwing
    * Fan: spattery kills of fragile attackers

    One really should not need help here. Cupboard may be used for barricading.

    Action Plan
    * All defense team members to arm themselves. Taller team members begin to secure the house, shorter team members attempt to appraise themselves of the situation. Can attackers be killed? Are they contagious? How long is the attack likely to last? What supplies exist in the house?
    * Fall back to Kale's room (this requires further discussion - while it is the most secure room, we would also be trapped).